When we were kids and we used to pass notes in class

Remember?

We drew little square boxes

Do you like me

We wrote

Check Yes or Check No. Full of hope

I did this folded the note

and passed it around the class to the boy

Two rows over and three seats back

My face flush red As anxiety feverishly rushed over me

watching him unfold my hope

and my dream What would he check? Yes

Or

No?

Did he like me Did he find me pretty Did he want to go steady
At just 13 I unfolded the returned note
And saw the box checked with one pencil stroke

A simple clean mark

In the no I held back my tears in my sixth-grade seat while I folded the heartbreak to fit firmly in my pocket

Tucked away for no one else to see

I was crushed in silence

by a box that I thought

surely was an easy answer

I did not expect such defeat

Now

Thirty years later

I realized it was for him

An easy answer

It Just wasn’t for me.

I know NOW

I am not a box you can just check. I Am Me.
GivingLovingDrivenDeterminedDreamingLiving Out Loud

Loyal to Me

Bold and Bravely

I Am Me Sensitive and Emotional Fierce and Focused

on what lights fires inside my heart I Am Me Quality Not Quantity Driven Deep

not Shallow Loving and Surrendering to my gut-believing instincts that lead my Fights and Stand up For My Battles I Am Me. I don't fit inside or outside any box

especially just a box

that you think should be on meI am Constantly Shifting

and Growing

and

Overflowing For Better For Stronger For Deeper For More I am All Feeling

The Good The Bad The Ugly The Beautiful Me

I am full of scars that have callused over the years hardened and thick with walls unscalable And I am Full of Fresh WoundsThat hurt and heal with every breathe I take

Even on this very day

I don't come with bullet points and check marks I come with promise

And I come with problems I come with hope and I come with sorrow but I come vulnerable and open and realI come willing to bend but not break I come 'As Is' A priceless work of heart and soul and spirit and love I come as an empowering fierce fighter that will go to war for the ones I love

I come with a gentleness that will care for you

until heaven takes you above I come with ever-changing growth Not because you or someone else says I should But because I want to

Just for Me

Yet I Seek

Desperately in You

that You See MeThe things that are wrong with me I want you to love The things that are right with me I want you to savor the things that are weak within meI want you to help me

build them up the things that are missing from meI want you to fill them

with all your love My heart is aching from the chasing It is tired in defeat It knows it deserves the love it gives It is just confused by the lack of receipt Still

It gives and gives

Breathing in the wait Hoping Planning Dreaming Anticipating the day where you come to it with open hands and freely say Take me…I don't care what worries walk in our way The little girl inside me she is scared you won't stay That you could find someone else

and replace me any day

That you lack the ability to act and

seize a life with her

and a life with me She’s scared you will keep finding boxes that the shape of her heart and the size of her love

will never be able to shrink into

because that is not what she believes That the what if worries and woes will keep her striving hopelessly in love

forever caught in torment of the yearning in her heart

and the call on her life

which says to settle

for no one

you must live authentic

and alive

But Boy

The Fighter in Her is Relentless

And she will call you out

On all your boxes

Showing you exactly what you don’t see

While you wish away what you have

As you stubbornly insist on meeting all your unattainable

non-existent boxed in needs

You might find her with no money problems

but her dollars will fail you in faithfulness

Leaving you in a deficit of love and loyalty   There could be woman with no pets waiting for you at you home but she’s disheveled and messy and sloppy in every single space

leaving footprints of a life you wish you didn’t have to consume because you thought life was better if she came to you all alone and in one piece

You might find a woman with no kids but this one won’t accept yours

She’s too wrapped up in herself To understand the river of emotions

flowing through the endlessness of parenthood

You can find a girl with no baggage

but then she doesn't understand yours

and when you show up with it seeking comfort

she will deny you her open empathetic and welcoming arms

She has no divorce or ex or co-parenting complaints

So she's incapable of connecting to you

On your worst possible days Sure you could find someone that checks off all your boxes and tiptoes around your lists

You’ll live stress-free without the pressure of growth

A life settled into sinking deeper into second best

Sadly, scheduling everything to stay so safe and serene

She’ll keep you in a slow fade of unfulfillment

Displeasure and living downhearted every single day     She won’t challenge you

or support you and wouldn’t know how to lift you upHer words will not encourage you

or inspire you

except to just stay put You could find someone who has a stable job

a secure paycheck and benefits that prove she can run in the rat race too

but she comes home miserable each night complaining

And whining about working her life away

Withholding her attention and infecting her bitterness

onto you at the end of each and every day I’m certain if you look hard enough

you could find the perfect girl

that fits your looks good on paper criteria

and when you think you hit the jackpot

she’ll shoot you down

for all your super strict straight non-negotiable ways

because she knows

your rigidness will waste her away So, you can keep your boxes, boy

They are not for me

I want someone who Sees me

In spite of Anyways

In the middle of my stuff

And without all the fluff

Someone who is blind to the boxes

Because he wants

just me

The real and the raw and the rarity of it all

That comes only from not fitting in

to the molds and cliches

Someone that knows what I have overflowing on the outside

is far more valuable than what fits inside

of all your pretty little perfectly squared-off lines

I want someone who wads up the paper of demands and tosses out the pros and cons

Someone who sees me coloring everything all wrong

and still says, Wow

You are a Masterpiece.

Someone who has only one box to check

And can do so as clear and as easy

as the boy sitting two rows and three seats back from me

Check Yes

or

Check No

My someone won’t need to contemplate any other thing.