Two weeks ago, I had major surgery.

This one is a long recovery & I have to remind myself to go slow because all my healing is on the inside

 

These damn inside jobs get me 

Do they get you? 

 

So, here's the story:

Before surgery - you must strip yourself of all medicines, supplements, caffeine, jewelry, lotions, perfumes...

 

it's kinda crazy 

 

like they take it all from you 

 

so, I obey

 

BUT at first, your mind goes 

 

how in the hell can I go without my supplements,

without my coffee or caffeine

how will I survive without my routine

without all my things...

 

My brain with its eyebrows raised & head cocked is like WTF are you doing? 

 

I feel instantly naked without my ring & necklace & earrings that I never take off 

 

Everything inside me screams Hold Up! We are missing parts of us & immediately I am incomplete 

 

But then I have surgery

and I wake up

Thank God!

 

BUT then I feel like shit 

BUT I have drugs 

so I forget 

 

and I sleep 

so I don't need caffeine

 

and I don't need to leave the bed

so I don't need lotion or perfume or deodorant

 

and suddenly, I find no need to do of my normal shit that were once habits but now are permanent pieces of me

 

& that's when I realized on Day 11 

 

How Effing Free I Was

without my watch 

 

for multiple reasons too:

the steps 

the time 

the calories 

 

the closing of the damn circle eyeballing me every effing hour if I didn't get up & move 250 beats 

 

even the heaviness of it

on it on my tiny toddler wrist 

 

were all gone!

 

AND that's when I knew

I was my Fit Bit's B!tch.

 

It owned me 

 

it had me on the go 10000 mph seven days a week

 

it had me feeling the pull of get up & go-go-go don't you dare sit down & be a baby

 

it had me competing against myself for steps & calories 

 

it had me checking the time constantly 

 

it had me chained to a 6-inch band wrapped around my left wrist 

 

Now to confirm this silly little prison sentence, on day 12 I put it back on 

 

& when I looked down & saw I had only taken 4,000 something steps

 

I felt defeated

lazy, fat, gross

 

I was pissed 

depressed 

& immediately transported into my head of feeling less than & weak & failing the warrior inside of me

 

Even though I had major surgery 

 

even though my insides were on fire 

 

even though I knew not to mess up the newness of everything my surgeon just fixed inside of me 

 

even though...

 

Isn't that cruel 

Isn't that ridiculous 

 

a watch tracking my health was imprisoning me 

 

something that was supposed to be helpful & useful & a tool to motivate me

 

snuck up & seeped inside me strangling my self-trust & my sanity

I'm wearing it as I type this right now & it's annoying me

 

it feels like I am intentionally punishing myself 

 

waiting to see how many days before it feels 'not that bad' again 

 

waiting to see if I can change the feelings inside 

 

even though I've now felt the freedom of the other side of my prison walls 

 

it's a stupid watch you say 

 

BUT it's not 

 

it's the thing that my future self is rejecting 

 

she doesn't need it anymore 

she doesn't want it anymore 

She's good to go without it 

She's done - Done

 

and chaining her to it will only increase the tension inside my tired head 

 

So today I'm gonna put it away until I can wear it without it weighing me down 

 

Today, I break up with my jail cell 

 

because this season doesn't call for the tracking of my every move 

 

I have already arrived where I needed to arrive when I first needed the stupid watch in the first place 

 

And it took a major life surgery for me to see this 

 

This next season

 

Future Me

 

requires stillness

requires inner fitness

requires patience 

requires total trust knowing I am exactly where I'm supposed to be

 

and there is no need to rush

 

The ironic thing is surgery doesn't hurt when it's happening

it hurts before & after

 

it hurts in the decision and the anticipation and the knowing something big is necessary to heal you & help you 

 

and it hurts in the aftermath

 

in the healing

in the letting go

in the missing of what you once needed & wanted

 

but now no longer do

...

 

Now, I hear all my smarty pants saying yeah, surgery doesn't hurt when it's happening because you're drugged up

you're asleep

 

But the truth is

once you welcome it

 

your pain plaguing you comes to a serene inner peace & shatters the illusion of what you think you needed

but you just don't

 

because while you've been so busy focusing on your prison walls 

 

you've missed that you've actually already arrived at where you wanna go

 

...

 

What are you a slave to? 

There IS something Keeping you

 

and though it may seem like a tiny little thing (in my case a $150 watch) 

 

once it sinks its teeth into you & clamps down

 

your ability to escape its tyranny takes tremendous courage

 

BUT be courageous anyways 

 

because that's when you see

the season you're in

 

is already in process of performing a powerful surgery in your life

 

whether you like it or not.

 

#healing #pain #selfimprovement #selfcare #writer #personalgrowth #blogpost #futureself #selfawareness